10 ways to avoid looking like an old guy
Don't be that guy
By Jim LaJoie
Don’t grow your hair longer on the sides and in the back despite the top of your head resembling an egg. Cut it short or off, because you aren’t fooling anyone.
When passing a pretty young thing, don’t whip your head around, tongue hanging like a hyena in heat. Just makes you look like an old creepy guy. Trust me, pretty young thing isn’t going to be climbing aboard.
Stop talking incessantly about how things were “better when I was your age.” Some things, maybe. Somethings, definitely not. No one outside of the Saturday night bingo group wants to hear this.
Never wear age-inappropriate clothes. That means no skinny jeans, no tight-fitting shirts, no muscle-Ts. Just no.
Don’t say aloud while in the company of younger humans: “younger people are more sensitive now.” Are they? Yes. Just don’t say this aloud. You must only say this among the cohort that remembers Woodstock or disco. And then only quietly.
When confronted with having to pay for a purchase or service by tapping a credit card reader, and you have never done this before, never take your credit card and begin slapping the reader as if you are challenging it to a duel or attempting to beat it to death. Try looking like you know what you are doing. Fake it, if you must.
When at a Starbucks, faced with having to choose between a Demi, Short, Tall, Grande, Venti or Trenta, avoid looking like you have somehow stumbled into another country, looking dazed and unaware of this language. Stay calm and ask for a small, medium or large. Let the barista figure it out. Appear as if you could have ordered in their vernacular but you chose not to. The key: stay calm.
When faced with having to climb up a flight of stairs to meet somebody (especially a younger person), stop at one step and stare intently at your phone for 30 seconds or so as if you are reading Plato or Confucius. That will provide enough time to catch your breath. If you don’t, you risk having the person you are meeting wonder if you have emphysema.
At Thanksgiving, don’t inform younger family members that you read, and fervently and sincerely believe, the craziest, most asinine conspiracy theories then circulating. Before uttering the words, fix yourself a drink and reflect upon what led you to this condition. Seek help, if necessary.
Don’t try picking up some heavy object to prove to yourself that you are still in your 30s. You aren’t. When you were in your 30s, your boss/doctor/favorite athlete was likely not even born. You are only going to risk public humiliation, a possible hernia and a night of melancholy. Let the kids do it, it’s their turn now.
About the author: Jim LaJoie was born and raised in Massachusetts but fled the harsh winters by fleeing to North Carolina. He has lived more decades than he cares to admit.
